I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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