I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
