How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
