i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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