note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
