im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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