I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
How does it feel to date your dad?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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