The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
