I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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