you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
