My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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