Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
