you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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