That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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