i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
