my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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