im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
