Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
