My sheets look like a crime scene.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
