I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
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I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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