Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
