I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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