I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
