you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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