if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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