I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
