I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
