Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
