How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
