Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
