So drunk its hurt
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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