The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
