What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
