Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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