If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
