Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
