You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
