she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
