she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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