The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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