There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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