She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
