I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
