Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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