I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
