just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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