I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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