I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
