True but thats because hes a fetus.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
