I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
