i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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