I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
