I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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