her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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