Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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