She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
