mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How does it feel to date your dad?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
